You gave me wings
For me to fly
Oh, Let me be
Your glittering star

You made me complete
And I want you to believe
You made me reach higher
Than I ever could achieve

But now it's time
To set you free
If it is our fate
So let it be

Let's fly for tomorrow
And forget the pain
There is so much to lose
But there's much more to gain

Just remember the memories
That came along our way
And don't ever forget
That I will always be there.

The days that passed have been tough,
Trying to live one day at a time,
No thoughts of tomorrow, no plans,
Each moment a difficult task,
Each day a prayer.
Decisions were made, the past to forget
No regrets, I have to say,
Forgiveness had been asked and given
The lowest point of life to take,
The weakness and the loneliness to face.

A step forward a day,
Yet alone with God is the best reward to have.
On the “big” day which HE still gives me,
Thanking Him for the chance of wishes,
Which in my prayers these I include.
I wish I can still enjoy the people around me
Who in the past till now have given such comfort,
Whether far or near, they think of my wellness,
Guide me through it all….
“family” -- we named them…
With a love that binds us all.

I wish I can still laugh with them,
The people I’ve met along the way,
The differences we have are trivial
The small things shared are treasured.
I wish I can still face them and be true
With them, not a reminder of my pain
But to appreciate their presence all this time
“friends” -- we call them…
A blessing along the journey.

And I wish I can still love “me”
The me I often forget.
Maybe I have loved as I should
But lived as I shouldn’t.
I wish I can take care of this heart
And help it rest, help it heal
Empty it from hurt, that joy may enter it.
And I wish… and I wish
But more than wish I PRAY
To the LORD of Lords, and my King of kings,
Who has shown His love to me from the start till the end,
To let me know that in my weakness, He’s my Only strength,
In my ignorance, my Only wisdom
The learning how to move on, how to yield.
My wish and prayer of a year of letting go and letting God.
And to you, I say “thank you”…
For saying the same prayer with me.

Brought about by a desire to see a beauty, beyond the tears from heaven. A riveting experience it was for a stranger to drive cross state, and across forest reserves, just to buy, with will as currency, the feeling of freedom and inhale the air of the great Orygun outdoor. (..to be continued..)

Ai-Lyn, Karen, Aileen and Merce...Naglalakad papuntang old market para maglunch
(Photo from Sheryll)

Ang mga nangangalumata na sa gutom(Photo courtesy of Maureen)

The other day, as I was paying for my medicine, the cashier asked, "Ma'am, ok lang, kulang po ako ng 25 cents...." (Ok, I will translate for our non-Filipino readers... the cashier informed me that my change was 25 cents short, as she didnt have 25 centavos). To which I caustically I asked her, "If my payment were 25 cents short, would it be ok with you?" (It sounded so much more impactful in the vernacular! To wit, I said, "Eh kung kulang ng 25 cents yung bayad ko sa iyo, ok lang din ba?")

I mean, sure, it's just 25 cents, but the point of the matter is, if it's pro-business, these people just assume it's alright. But if it's for the customer or consumer, it's another matter altogether! Consider this: it is easy to buy anything, but try to return something - ah, the "protocols and procedures you have to go through. There is no time limit to when you can buy something (the only limitation is the store hours - shopping stops when the store closes. Plus, you, dear buyer, need to do other things, too. Such as sleep!); but you can only return something within 7 days of purchase (it means I need to wear my new blouse within that time frame! And if it shrinks after laundry, sorry!). A retailer or store owner can easily run to the police to report a trouble-making customer; most even have their own security to take care of such unpleasantries. In short, if the store or shop has trouble with your presence, there is closure as they can just throw you out. An nasty incident of mistaken identity that happened to an actress in the parking lot of a grocery comes to mind... But if you are hassled by inattentive sales clerks, or dubious store policies, you first need to write a formal (written!) complaint and send it to whichever government office has jurisdiction over the product concerned. I mean, just how difficult should life be?! For you, the aggrieved party, closure is delayed as you have to wait for the response from the govt agency. Heck, you even have to bring your letter there yourself! Could closure delayed be closure denied, too? I wonder what 'justice' has to say abou this...

Ok, ok, I will calm down... I am just venting becuase it can be so frustrating sometimes, really. Well, to be fair, the cashier finally found the energy (she was probably too tired from standing behind the cash register the whole day) to find 25 centavos so she can give me my complate change. Now, don't get me wrong - I consider myself a generous, giving person. But really, we, as consumers, deserve respect and the appropriate treatment, too, right?

Oh, enough said here.... What's the point? For my sentiments to make an impact, I would have to write a letter of complaint to the Trade Department, telling them about how this drugstore almost didnt give me accurate change. Do I really want to go to great lengths to air my grievance? I will just make do with this page.

All moments are seized by the anxious tomorrow. Reliving the past is not an option but a ridiculous justification to look back and ponder. In the advent of slanderous anecdotes and dimwitted responses, beings are reduced to numbers, faceless and insignificant. Where does one go? Whose arms do we hold on? Whose heart do we beat with? Looking for a time of our life, we find complications. Too tired of the lines being held upon, silence becomes a denominator. Intimacy is existent but almost swept away. Its the time at hand that matters but none of the choices are appealing. The clock ticks alone and yet its dominion is checked. It can handle reality's truth but it cant seep into the fiber of its immediate recipient.

In these moments, we find solitude a friend and an enemy. In a predicament of lies, deceit, and folly, we turn to the nearest being for a respite. Salvation is not expected while empathy is a necessity. Tomorrow may not come to salvage the remains of the previous day. However, at least, one does not traverse with excruciating loneliness. The smile and laughter will not depart amongst the familiars. For it no longer matters what lies beyond as empathy and solidarity can stand on its own within all of the perfect strangers.

He’s been my “childhood love”, the prince in my fairy tale story. I’ve learned with him what was crush means, how love can make you feel. For more that half of my life, he’s been the “leading man” of the movie in my mind.

We’ve seen each other, lost each other – on, then off, and then on again. I couldn’t remember how many times we reconciled. He got involved with somebody else. I, myself, had some too. But maybe because of the fact that the “love” grew up with us, there was always that feeling of being a part of each other’s heart that kept us going back to each other’s arms. Ewan ko ba…

She’d been a friend for a long time. I don’t know how it happened but we got close in just a snap – opening ourselves to each other. Our friendship was not the type which developed because of togetherness (I mean, going out together or having the same gimmicks). In fact, we were always apart. We were miles away from each other a year after we’ve met. She has her own set of friends and I had mine. We never had the chance to be together for one whole day, just like the usual friends do. Wasn’t able to shop together or mall around, or had that long chat on the phone. But OURS had been a living proof of how can communication bridge a gap. The friendship just developed through letters, and e-mails for the later part. They said I was the “martyr” in the friendship. She was always the cause of coldness or misunderstanding. I couldn’t remember a letter from her without “sorry”. At least, she would always admit it was her fault. And of course, I would always say, “it’s okay”. As I’ve said, she’s special. Our friendship is special.

But as they say, some things just happen in the most unexpected way. Because “he” whom I’ve loved then for so long, and “she” whom I’ve cherished so much as a friend are the ones together now. It’s a short story to tell and explain… but painful enough for me to go back with the memories and remember. But I guess, their story is not for me to tell. I’m writing for the sake of what is left inside my heart.

I didn’t feel any anger nor hatred for them. A hypocrite? No, I’m not. I didn’t feel anger. I felt and still feel deep sadness because from the moment I’ve heard and confirmed about their story, I knew I didn’t just lose one, I’ve lost TWO. Long time ago, I’ve accepted the fact that he and I can never be “us” again. So many times we tried but we always failed. And when we moved on, we realized our paths went to separate ways. The next thing I wanted to happen between us was to be friends. But with this situation, ‘think it’s possible?

And she? From the time I came back, I dreamt of her thrice already. In my dreams, she was always there with that sad look on her face… as if saying “sorry, again..”. Is this what she wants to relay to me now? People around always tell me, “She’s not worth it”… “He’s not worth it”… “They’re not worth it”. Sometimes, I wanted to believe them… or maybe I was just hurt.

But whose fault was it, anyway? Nobody can teach one who to love and whom to give back that love. It just happened that my ex-boyfriend fell in love with my good friend…

And where am I in the picture? I’m not there. I’m here praying for their happiness, wishing them good luck, and hoping that one day, we can share the same laughter again. Oh, impossible? If not, I hope, even an exchange of smiles will do. Someday…

I don’t know how to describe “him”. I don’t know how to start. For more than 20 years that we’ve been together, doing this and that, talking about this, criticizing about that… was it watching “My Best friend’s Wedding” for the nth time that drove me to get my pen and write about him? Yup, this guy…my buddy!

We had always been mistaken as steadies. Maybe because we’ve been partners since we were kids. Programs, church activities, hosting, I was very identified with him, and he with me. If I were around, “Where is he?” people would ask, and vice versa. When I woke up, it was a routine to look at the window to see if he was already awake sitting on their terrace especially the morning after a gimmick, signaling to each other: “Did you throw up?” or “napagalitan ka ba?” (You grounded?). And of course, there were arguments – many, in fact! He was always irritated by my laziness – starting a project then leaving everything to him when I couldn’t handle it anymore. He budgeted his money well and could account even to the last penny, while I don’t know where my money went. And many more incidents I love to cherish and reminisce.

We grew up fast, yes. And even that we started to live apart and tried to find each of our own path, we were still “partners”. People still look and ask when one of us is not around. “Bakit nga ba hindi kayo?”. Kung sana nga lang … Kung sana nga lang ano? (Why don't you two hook up? I wish that were the case.)

If only he doesn’t walk and act more feminine than I do? If only he doesn’t talk much more than I do? If only he doesn’t eat with more finesse than I do? If only he’s not a gay? People had known him like that. Maybe, he had acted differently. Friends had accepted him to be that way, ‘though no one had ever asked what he really feels about it and I guess, nobody dared. BUT it’s not being a gay or not, or the supposedly “chance” that we can be”us”. It’s not a question of what he really is or the chance for him to change. They’ve never seen the real “MAN” inside this guy. They’ve never seen what I’ve seen in him all these years.

I was afraid to cross-busy streets. He was always on the danger side to help me get over that fear. I was bored and lonely. He was there to make me laugh and forget about my sadness. He danced with me even though I was a difficult partner to swing with. I had the longest stories to tell. They never heard it. He patiently listened… every single detail of it. I’ve fallen in and out of love. I’ve met guys who loved and hurt me. They didn’t see me cry. He’d seen me. I’ve passed and failed opportunities. They’ve never seen how excited or disappointed I was. He’d seen it. He did simple to most sensible things for me that I guess my fingers and toes aren’t enough to count them all. Maybe they’ve seen the “soft” part of him … but they’ve never seen the “tough” guy inside of him. He’s a different kind of person … my different kind of man … my one of a kind of friend!

And after a year and a half of not seeing each other (first time to happen in our 27 years of existence!), all I wanted was to hug him and tell him how much I missed him. And I do regret that I didn’t! Wanted so much to stay late with him, talk about our experiences for the past year apart, get drunk, laugh, sing, cry, whatever! But so sad, we didn’t get the chance to do all those things. ‘Guess, we’re all busy with our own routines now. And of course, I understand.

And so I went back to my new world, work…work…work… and watch one of my favorite movies AGAIN: MY BESTFRIEND’S WEDDING! He’s not “GEORGE” and I’m not “JULES”. But we have a FRIENDSHIP somehow like what they have … NO, maybe much stronger and more comforting! And with the Lord between us, I know it will stay for a long… long… long time!

Ah, Richard, what can I say? Here I am, finally, FINALLY, letting my thoughts traverse the electronic highway... have I been invisible for that long a time?

When was the last time we actually had a conversation?! Heck, I can't event say it's your fault! Like i am wont to do... no, my silence has been, actually is, my fault. I have submitted myself to the demigods of corporate slavery, and now I almost lost my life. Of course, not in the physical sense (am definitely not suicidal!)... you know what I mean... Save for work and occassional dates with hubby and family, I hardly have any life. I gave up boxing (because my carpal tunnel-inflicted hand) and didnt find any other fun alternative. I quit walking in the park becuase I couldn't wake up early enough - too much late nights in front of the computer, furiously working on those never-ending ARs! The only good thing is, I also gave up shopping! If only for that, you have to congratulate me, brother! Yehey!!!!!!

So now, what am I but a manager with no people to manage, supposedly enjoying the perks of flexi-time but needs to be online practically 27/7. I mean, what kind of an ironic existence do I have?! I bring (no, LUG!) my laptop everywhere, like an extra arm. I evaluate a hotel or restaurant's acceptability being accessiblity to an internet connection. My quick breaks are timed when there is no emergency or crisis that I need to deal with... All my training schedules are worked around demands of external stakeholders.. what the +*%@# is this kind of l ife I have?!

For some insane fluke, I find myself unable to think of anything today, and so I finally turn to our page, and see if I can write something. Isnt' that so great - emptiness of mind leading to the creation of a thought-piece. Of course, this is some kind of a thought-piece. I wonder what thoughts this would evoke in others who bother reading it? Well, whatever....

To my brother, Richard, many thanks for patiently waiting for my two-cents' worth... it may not be much, but it's an additional post. He he he... Cheers! And may the demigods of corporate slavery never hold you hostage in its evil clutches.

Your wonder twin,

Tere